Thursday, May 25, 2006

Letters from the homefront...

. Thursday, May 25, 2006


My Dearest Boo,

Oh, swell. He misses David Letterman and he doesn’t miss me! Just busting on you! No, I didn’t receive any of your letters by June 30th (in fact, I only got your first one about 4 days ago) so the only letters from me that have any relevance to the letters from you are the ones you’re getting today (hopefully “today” is July 15!) I tell you, this is like frickin’ literary jet lag! I tried to explain it to Allison. She said: “Let me get this straight. You’re getting letters a full week after the actual event, and he’ll read your response a week after that?! That means that he’s reading about stuff that happened two weeks ago!” Yeah, something like that. Like I said – jet lag. But I must say, this getting letters from you, it’s the shits, man! It’s so cool! And so far, none of them have read like you predicted they would before you left –

My Dearest Laura,

This really sucks!

Love ya,


~ but don’t have too good a time! I want you to come home after all. With my luck, the meaning of life ting you were talking about will consist of riding your bike across the country as many times as is necessary to achieve Nirvana. And, that being the case, I would track you down, hit you over the head with your own pump, drag you by the collar of your jersey to my cave (read: dorm room) and have my way with you. It’s very simple. And don’t think that Chip and Jim can protect you either – they’ll get the same treatment because I’ll have roommates who would be more than happy to extend Yankee hospitality to two fine young (?) biker babes like yourself! You laugh! But beware! And, Chip and Jim, whoever you are, you beware too!

Letter #6 – June 30th – “We stopped for this Kodak moment and took a pitstop.” Hopefully these two things were not one in the same. How Kafka-esqe! “Quatre forts homes au hori-pipi.” You just gotta love modern art!

Let’s see: 5:30 the first two days, 6:30 the next day, and 5:00 the day after that. A little inquiry: HOW THE HELL DO THEY GET YOUR TIRED LITTLE ASS OUT OF BED THAT EARLY?! It was hard enough for me, and that was at 9:30-ish! I think this Coach must be one of those guys that strikes fear into the hearts of men types!

Holy shit! There sure is a lot of Tour de France stuff in this letter. I should just be thankful that you’re not, say, kicking a soccer ball across the country or something, because if I had to send you World Cup stuff, it would totally wipe me out! That crash at the end of Stage 2 was really spectacular! This cop was taking a picture of the pack coming towards the finish line because a little girl asked him to (awww!) and WHAM! And the only guy that walked away without a scratch? You guessed it – the cop! Reality bites But you see? I’ve been watching the Tour de France! Aren’t you proud of me?

How’s the knee? Yo! Be careful out there, okay? If you damage anything out there that I have a certain attachment to, you’ll have to be replaced! I don’t deal with damaged goods you know! ‘Nuf said.

That’s really just about everything, but I’d better save the rest for another letter. I miss you, and I’d say “this really sucks” but I love hearing from you every day! I love you!

Je t’aime,